About a decade ago, I wrote about my recognition of empath gifts. It was a deep insight into my life and a reframing of how I had adapted growing up. In that model, it’s said we’re born with the gifts, then learn to adapt or suppress them. However, I didn’t find the techniques for managing the gifts fully worked for me. Being conscious of them really helped, though.
More recently, experiences of early pre-cognitive memories, of being an emotional sponge as a very young child, studying trauma, and reading about neurodivergence has led to new insights.
Basically, when we’re very young, including in the womb, we’re like balls of love, connecting and feeling, emotional sponges soaking up how others around us are so we can adapt to the life we’re born into.
Initially, we don’t experience ourselves as separate from our mother. Gradually, the impulse to differentiate develops and we begin to form a distinct sense of self.
First, we’re learning how to be in this body, to walk and talk. Then we shift to a greater focus on emotional body development around age 2. And then mental body development as we approach school age. This brings a shift to becoming more cognitive, like most around us. Memories shift to being cognitive too, and we lose connection to prior non-cognitive memories. (This also relates to synaptic pruning.) The memories are still there, we just can’t access them from a mental mode.
If we don’t satisfy our need for connection early in life, we are inclined to develop less secure forms of attachment with others. We become needier or we withdraw. There are many reasons our mother or caregiver may not be fully present for us. But this can lead us to become less inclined to differentiate as quickly, trying to keep an insecure connection going. This can lead to a poorer sense of self and poorer energetic boundaries.
We’re each going to have natural inclinations, but the nurture side can influence the balance. For example, maintaining poor boundaries or muted self-differentiation may amplify neurodivergence. Or it may distort empath gifts if we don’t stop trying to remerge with our mother. It may increase sensitivities if we keep some of the sponginess open. And so forth.
Matt at TCFH said “Arrests in the individuation process… their self representation… they can have webs into the collective. Their self representation can be more archetypal than individuated.”
Of course, all of this happened at an early age. We didn’t “decide” to be this way or that. We tried to adapt and to cope with the life we landed in as best we could at the time.
Sensitivity and gifts are not bad things. But it’s good if they’re conscious and we learn how to be with them. We can feel into how we respond to life and inquire into this behaviour to suss out our style and see where we have boundary issues. Do we have trouble standing up for ourselves or saying no? Do we play the people pleaser or the victim? Are we constantly trying to “fix” those around us? We’ve all met people like this.
A note here about identity. It may seem spiritually counterproductive to encourage a healthy self-sense. However, we need a stable platform for enlightenment to unfold on. A poorly defined or flaky sense of self is not stable. Waking up is not a loss of the I-sense, it’s a loss of identification with that. We still need a self to function in the world. It just ceases being the centre.
Davidya
I was reminded that empath gifts can be seen in the womb. However, how we relate and adapt to them is strongly influenced by nurture, as discussed.
In this video, Sarah Taylor discusses how neurodivergence helps with awakening. I found the video fascinating. While not technically ND, I have some of the qualities she describes. (And not to worry if you don’t. As she quotes, there is a path for all of us.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYPDbNsGgFA
So well expressed! I had a really shaky sense of self and anxious attachment style. And I really got chills when I read Matt’s quote about us taking on archetypal identities rather than our unique individuated ones. Yup!
Awakening finally facilitated a healthy sense of self – for lack of a better word. I am not identified with nor limited by that. But this personality and wiring, with all its gifts and quirks, has been liberated to really express itself. xo
Thanks, Sarah. Happy to hear that coming from you. Interesting on Matt’s quote.
And yes, the awakening process has made some things much more conscious, which has helped to develop a healthier and more complete self sense. Still learning what’s actually here. (laughs) And still opening things up that I didn’t realize were in there.
In many ways, some of this happened in spite of self-concepts. Like I started writing with awakening, something I thought I was bad at. Turns out to be dharmic. 🙂
And of course, it’s more than possible to heal and develop well before awakening. We don’t have to wait. 🙂
Wow, I relate to this a lot. In fact, I see the awakening and individuation processes as deeply connected. And yes, becoming aware of attachment styles and other models can really support our evolution. Some of it unfolds naturally, but for me, getting conscious of it is incredibly helpful.
Hi Nancy
Yes, becoming aware of what’s here tends to be a long process of gradually becoming more conscious of it, and of letting go of resistance to it. So often, we’ve developed self-concepts and self-limitations that get in the way of it, so there’s a process of both seeing through and of opening.
Awakening is very similar. 🙂