On Shame

Shame, as an energy, relates to the root chakra. This is why it can feel existential and dense.

Shame is a natural response that helps us moderate behaviour, like acting out or venting on others. This is very useful for getting along with others. For example, shame can get kids to stop hitting or fighting.

Shyness, embarrassment, and humility can be healthy forms of shame.

However, people too often direct feedback at the person, not the behaviour; for example, instead of saying “hitting is not nice,” they say “You’re bad!” This is natural when an authority figure is ego-identified and sees their own behaviour as identity. 

Yet the message teaches us that our behaviour is our identity. Shame becomes entangled with our sense of self. Rather than just feeling bad about hitting someone, we think it means I’m bad.

Then our inner critic gets on the bandwagon and reminds us repeatedly that we’re bad. A single incident can become a repeating narrative and part of our self-story. We come to see ourselves as deficient or broken.

Then shame becomes toxic, leading to self-worth issues, humiliation, self-disgust, and self-hatred. We come to feel ashamed of feeling shame as it tells us we’re “bad.”

This may sound extreme, but it’s very prevalent in the West. And it comes with a standard coping strategy. To feel comfortable, we repress the feelings of shame. Yet the negative self-talk still runs to keep it “controlled.”

There are lots of other symptoms of shame compensation. Perfectionism. Compensatory pride. Our society is full of lonely people because we isolate ourselves to avoid shame. It doesn’t feel safe to be around others, as they might see our unworthiness or confirm our insufficiency.

Shame is also often entangled with other emotions. For example, it may not feel safe to be angry or afraid, so shame comes in and helps suppress them.

The way we suppress is to take those “parts” of our experience and separate them so we can hide them. Thus, our angry teen part or shamed child part get orphaned off and suppressed.

Yet the body still works to heal, so those repressions leak out. Mind doesn’t like to have emotions for “no reason” so it makes narratives. Shame then confirms itself using evidence from prior self-shaming. But too often, these are nothing but self-condemning stories to confirm false judgments. We’d rather feel right than feel unworthy. If the mind keeps giving us negative feedback, however quiet, that shows hidden shame.

These narratives build on themselves, increasing our load. It can feel like a weight. Shame even creates a posture.

If you notice thoughts or behaviour coming up that tell you:

– Something is wrong with me. I’m broken or deficient. Or behaviours of always looking to fix myself. The next remedy or class or teacher…

– I’m not good enough, I can’t, I’m not able. Curiously, this is often true of our gifts. Even a single dismissal by someone we respect can lead to self-shaming our own gifts. If we believe we’re not good at it, we’ll act accordingly, even if it’s actually a gift.

– Unavailable caregivers or bad breakups can lead to stories about being unlovable or nor deserving love. When an opportunity arises, we’ll reject or sabotage it as it will feel unsafe. Or we may just feel ambivalent, the deeper feelings blocked.

– Being shamed for expressing joy can lead to narratives of not deserving happiness. As above, we may be prone to resist or dismiss joy, or sabotage, or avoid happy circumstances.

– An experience of failure can be weaponized into a confirmation of our insufficiency. We can come to expect failure and stop trying. Yet it’s only in doing that we can get results. It’s natural to fail sometimes.

– If the above represses our natural expression, we can feel worthless and develop self-deprecating narratives and limiting beliefs. “I have no purpose.”

And yet, all of this is a coping strategy for unresolved shame. Many of the above are very common. If we are more sensitive, harsh comments are even more likely to wound us deeply and become accepted as true.

Affirmations will not help much if the energy driver behind the narratives remains. They can even create internal dissonance, such as an affirmation that we’re worthy pushed onto an identity that thinks it lacks value or purpose. 

Because we’re hiding our shame as a coping strategy, if doesn’t feel safe to seek care. Yet that’s what it needs.

Some points on working with shame:

– Resourcing. We suppressed our emotions as a coping strategy because we didn’t feel safe or because they felt overwhelming. Often this was because we didn’t know how to process them then. But now, as adults, and with resources, we can approach our baggage and see it as it is. It may not feel nice, but it may be perfectly safe when we have capacity.

– Presence. As much as we’re able, being able to be a neutral observer of our experience gives us deep resources and a non-judgmental attitude.

– No Judgment. The critic cranked it up in the first place. We want to come to our emotions with curiosity and compassion. Shame is very normal. But it needs room to be seen without being judged.

– Curiosity. It’s very helpful to have a desire to understand our experience and allow what is arising, as it is.

– Inquire. We can ask non-judgmental questions of our resistance. This can give us a sense of where and why and gives the signal that it’s now safe to be seen.

– Allowing. Allowing how we feel, however it arises. If shame wants to hide, allow that too. But now it’s seen. Get to know what it feels like and how it behaves. How the mind responds. When you see, you can’t get caught in it the same way. And with a little space, it can be resolved. Burden lifted.

– Notice. When the narratives come up, just notice them. Don’t stop them. No judgment. But no belief either. By simply noticing them, you can see through them. Then they’ll naturally fall away. (Although there can be layers to much of this.)

– Patience. You’ve been carrying this trauma for many, many years. Sometimes, for lifetimes. Give it time to surface and heal.

At first, it can be very helpful to be guided through the process with an experienced somatic practitioner. This way we can learn what works for us in creating a safe space and how to process our emotions. Then we can allow and heal our trauma.
Davidya

Thanks to The Centre For Healing for their exploration.

Last Updated on June 12, 2025 by Davidya