I’ve written before about the 5 Love Languages. I found this quite insightful. People are prone to recognize and express love in certain ways. If two people are out of sync, they can become frustrated.
For example, we may be inclined to engage in acts of service for our partner, like renovating the house or making a meal they like. Yet if they’re more oriented to touch, they may value these efforts less. They may even find our efforts distancing. For example, if they value touch but we spend our time away from them renovating, they don’t experience us supporting them, no matter how much energy we devote to the project.
This is much more problematic when it’s unconscious, as it is for many couples.
If we mess up, it’s important we take responsibility and express that. If we don’t, over time, we will break their sense of trust and safety in the relationship. Yet we also have to express that in a form they can recognize.
Recently, I attended a talk on the 5 Apology Languages, originated by Gary Chapman, the same author as Love Languages. Here, it’s how we offer and value styles of apology. They asked us to do the quiz prior to the talk.
The 5 are:
1 – Expressing Regret
2 – Accept Responsibility
3 – Make Restitution
4 – Planned Change
5 – Request Forgiveness
It surprised me to see that I had a strong bias towards honest emotional expressions of regret. I didn’t value the more mental Planned Change.
Yet some people, especially men, will be more able to respond this way. Some women will expect this of men too. Becoming conscious of our tendencies and those of our partner is precious for good communication. Otherwise, our attempts at apology may fall on deaf ears…
They mention how important sincerity is, eye contact, and matching body language, so the apology lands. I can recall more than once expressing an apology with a dose of defensiveness. That is not whole-hearted. If you want to make it right, you want to do it right, in a way they value, to the best you can.
You can do free quizzes to find your languages here.
Davidya
Very intriguing!
I often consider the 5 Love Languages a bridge to self-awareness. Possibly a jumping-off point for the spiritual journey. We go in with the desire to improve our relationship and understand how to better love our partner but emerge with a deeper understanding of how to love ourselves. And so it begins….
Right, Kerri
“self-help” can evolve into a spiritual journey.
OMG, thank you so much for this, D. For 15 years I had a best friend, long gone now, who often told me that I didn’t sound like I was truly sorry when I apologized. I sort of sensed what he meant but was clueless beyond that. Maybe it can help mend things with my sister.
You’re welcome, Sharon.
So often, such criticism is mixed. It may be our reticence to fully own it but also the form we’re expressing may not appear to them as a sufficient apology. The second has nothing to do with our sincerity, just how it’s expected. Like Love Languages, when it’s not conscious, we can’t ask for what we need.
But you do touch on a point. No matter how well we apologize, the other may be unwilling to accept it. Like forgiveness, that’s up to them. But we can put it down from our side.
Hi David-
I used to always regret, however; as my spirituality blossoms I’ve moved more towards accepting responsibility and being aware that I need to make changes going forward. I appreciate your post and the simple context it offers.
Beautiful, Kerri.
Such things may not be easy, but it can be the path to peace.
I have seen examples of when we heal from our side, the dynamics of a relationship can change significantly. Less so, if they’re stuck.
This could be a usefully detailed how-to for Steps 8 & 9 of AA’s 12-Step program. The steps declare what’s necessary to do; this could serve to guide how to go about it. Specifically, one could individually tailor apology (amends) messages based on the nature, receptivity, etc. of each recipient. Good stuff here, employed sincerely, IMO.
Interesting, George.
I’m only broadly familiar with the 12 step program. But you make a great point. Any effort at amends would be supported by understanding the above.
Something I didn’t mention in the article is that you can use combinations. When searching for graphics, I saw a “3 part apology” image that used 3 of the apology languages.
For example, you could express regret, accept responsibility, and offer restitution.
For myself, I have a bias against asking for forgiveness and as that’s up to the other. They may need time to digest the apology. If it seems to land, you may want to ask later.
That said, like apology, many people don’t know how to forgive either. “Letting go” can be a foreign concept. Are they in touch with their feelings?
About the AA thing — for a period of time in the early 80s in Palo Alto, California — home to Stanford University — there was a two-story office complex that was occupied by both a local AA group and the TM center. Fittingly, the AA group was on the ground floor, while directly above it was the TM center. One night while at the center, I stepped outside to enjoy the night air and turned to take it all in when it hit me: here in this single complex, under one roof, was the entire range and extent of possibilities for human salvation and evolution. There was no human alive that could not have found a home in some part or other of that building. I indulged in a fantasy that a person at their very bottom of despair in life could literally roll into to the AA rooms from the gutter outside and, after a time, ascend the stairs to the center to continue his redemption into the infinite potentiality of spiritual living…through the roof, so to speak. Sounds corny now, but it stuck with me. Anyway, it was a nice night and a memorable story.
Great story, George.
I once taught TM with my TM teacher. That center was above what became a drug paraphernalia shop. The building was a dump but the center itself was quite nice inside.
I remember as I started the first puja, a noisy motorcycle started revving outside. Couldn’t hear myself. But happily he drove off before instruction.
I then took the bus N to mow the large lawn of a house where a group of female TM teachers lived. This, in exchange for dinner. However, they gave me a large salad, then left. (sigh) 🔥
George, I started TM in 1971 and became a teacher in 1973, all while drinking myself half to death. When I arrived in AA in 1979 I thought I was the biggest failure ever. But as I came to grips with those steps, I realized I had struck gold. Those two “practices” have guided me now for many years. Robert Bly calls the kind of clean-up the steps encourage “kitchen work.” And I have come to believe that work is vital to finding a genuine inner peace.
I’ve similarly concluded the importance of the “clean up” so the slate is as clean as possible. Then what is here can more fully emerge. It also supports the collective clean up.
“Kitchen work”? Spoken like a guy, who is not a cook. 🙂
What I appreciate about you is your openeness to such insights (coming from others) and you share it with us.Thank you for all your blogs.
Thank, Guru. The comments can bring out a lot of points, so I appreciate the sharing.
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