Finding Love

Finding Love

In my last post, Understanding the Opposite Sex, the message came down to love. In essence, that we should simply love. Be the love we seek.

The message not mentioned is that if we want love, we must give it. This is a key point that most of those songs on the radio (or MP3 player) completely miss. Real Love cannot be lost or gained, it can only be given.

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I spoke of the difference between this idea/emotion of love vs true love over on Love Is.

As I quoted Nirmala on Love is for GivingJust go ahead and love whatever is in front of you, and in that way be filled with love. It is that simple if you remember that the essence of love is awareness and space.

Love does NOT come from another person. If you enter into a relationship with the purpose of “finding love”, you are dooming the relationship from the start. Emotional love may seem to come from another but if you pay attention you will see it arises in you. Perhaps inspired by them but still from you. That sort of love is conditional and transitory. It will waste with the vagaries of life. Worse, many relationships are not even founded on that. They are rooted only in meeting needs for security or attention. When the other person changes as they inevitably will, they may no longer meet your unspoken needs. You will make them at fault. They will be blamed for your unmet needs, perhaps without ever even knowing they were there. This is the story of many a divorce.

But this whole process is a complete mistake, an invitation for pain and suffering.

If you want to find a sense of security and attention and the source of real love, you must look within. What you are looking for is not out there, it’s an internal intimacy you seek.

When you clear the decks, you will come to a place of an open, unprotected heart. Able to absorb anything that comes along. A heart that will overflow, seeking only to give. A heart that will seek a person of affection to flow to. A heart that will sing for joy in giving.

This is where we will find true compassion, sharing and intimacy. We will find ourselves the vessel of love to flow into the world. A love that can only get deeper and will never end. A love that is who you are.

Of course, each of us has some work to be done to open the gates, to step out of the cesspools of fear and hate we hold inside. But the more we step toward what we are, the more the heart will open and love will begin to sing.

Relationship will never the same.

Last Updated on November 8, 2018 by Davidya

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  1. Lizzie

    I so wholeheartedly agree with your words on true love, it does need to start from within you and feeling love for another is whole lot different from seeking being wanted by a guy due to the need for his attention and approval. There are so many young girls that pine over a guy who loses interest in them, thinking they were experiencing
    true love, when they were just feeling infatuation or an intense emotional and physical high from the attention of being sexual and physically desired by a guy. Then the guy loses interest and they wonder why and cannot accept this loss to their vanity. Most young girls only know a neediness like that and it is rare for them to really understand and experience what it is truly like to love someone from the heart, they only know how to feel desire for someone’s attention to feel needed and special inside, thinking that is real love when it isn’t.

  2. Davidya

    Hi Lizzie
    Thanks for the feedback. Young girls have learned this behaviour from the examples they see. Boys are taught not to feel at all. Songs on the radio are full of messages of emotional love too.

    Loving from the heart is indeed very powerful and something that will grow deeper with time.

    But I’m speaking of Love that is deeper still. Love that arises in our very being, deeper even than the soul. That is the heart that is fully open, able to love everything unconditionally. It is the love of Oneness itself.

    Interesting blog – being a guy who’s a little shy with a woman I’m attracted to, I’d agree with first impressions on your site. For me, if a woman does not demonstrate interest (like playing hard to get), I don’t go further. Partly it’s because I hate games and look instead for honesty and integrity. Also of course a woman who knows love comes from within.

  3. Eric

    As someone who was in his teens in the sixties and who also cut his musical teeth on all the hits back then, it has been obvious to me for quite a while now what a disservice those songs did to our collective emotional development (or perhaps I’m the only one who bought in to them, lol). And things have not changed. Indeed, not only is that same false concept of love being pushed, but the element of violence in popular music is so much more common now.
    But here’s the good news: Technology has also made teachings and discussions of spiritual ideals, techniques, concepts and goals so much more accessible than they ever were. Blogs of this nature, Oprah Winfrey and others who spread awareness of a higher consciousness give me joy and a hope for the future which I might not otherwise have.
    But to get back on topic aren’t all of our misconceptions there for a reason? Do we learn right by going wrong (or should we be dropping the idea of right and wrong)? Recently in a meditation I saw my life as a canvas of contrasts and felt a gratitude that error and peace had been so clearly delineated for me to see. “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” I guess I’m saying perhaps that we need to know what love (reality) isn’t in order to know what it is. That things are exactly the way they are supposed to be. Maybe I’m not on topic after all. Maybe I’m just rambling on this Sunday morning……Peace to all.

  4. Davidya

    Hi Eric
    In many ways, the songs that rise to the top are the ones that express our state of mind/ awareness. Otherwise they would not be popular – although sometimes it’s the music, not the words. Our community reflects the state of it’s individuals, together, Be the subject song, politics, movies, TV, whatever. So it’s less that they are a disservice and more they reflect how we are.

    These days, there is a culture of fear that has developed in some quarters – a common response to change. Change can often be challenging, but it is the one constant in the world of experiences.

    I agree that times have changed – technology has indeed brought teachings to us. But also we should note that the quality of teaching and the number of teachers has also grown. That’s a good sign.

    Some see that we learn by doing, by making mistakes. In some respects that’s true. But more deeply, we learn by having experiences. That is the nature of our journey here. It is the mind that labels an experience good or bad, right or wrong. We only need to look to another culture to see what we consider wrong may not be to another.

    Are our misconceptions there for a reason? Not perhaps a reason, but for an experience. If we watch closely, we can see how our awareness is constantly shifting. Awareness is continually adjusting itself for the purpose of having specific experiences. Some of that it simply the play within itself, a seeking for balance, what some call karma. Some of it is to step us forward into deeper understanding. And some to push us out of the direction we may be headed in. Suffering is simply resistance to that movement of awareness.

    That is an excellent insight. To some extent, we understand by contrast. But the cure for the pain is not the pain itself as so many may think. It is within the pain, under or through it. When we fully receive the experience, it is gone. That is the art of living – to experience what is as it is, without resisting. Then it is experienced and done. It is in holding or resisting that suffering begins.

    And yes, things are exactly the way they are supposed to be. There is a remarkable perfection to all that is. This is not at all obvious when we are lost in it. But when our awareness steps back enough, we can see the process more completely.

    No need to apologize. I appreciate your thoughts. Sometimes it is necessary to ramble a bit to draw out the abstract into form. I do it all the time here (laughs)

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  7. Jesper Ellegård

    Hi David!

    Does this mean, that emotional love isn’t important in your opinion? Or are you just underlining that it won’t make a person completely satisfied because unconditional love arise from within?


    1. Hi Jesper

      This isn’t about importance. It’s about getting clear on what’s what. Becoming conscious of what love really is. It doesn’t come from a person meeting our needs but rather from an open heart.

      This post was written at a time when the “high heart” was awakening in the GC phase. What I had known as love paled in comparison. Unlike seeking love, we are instead looking for a place to give it as it’s overflowing.

      For awhile, I wrote in terms of emotional love and universal Love. Nowadays, I just see one love, the flow of the divine through life. There really isn’t an emotional love, just tastes of real love. That arises only with an open heart. And that’s difficult to sustain until after the stable base of an awakening and much of the unresolved drama has wound down.

      But yes, we all have a deep knowing of what is in there, under our thoughts and emotions. At the same time, we have lots of experiences that emotions are fleeting and unsatisfying. Most are actually aversion reactions to life. (anger, fear, sadness, etc) So we suffer, often without realizing it’s suffering because we don’t know better.

      And then the lights come on. 🙂

  8. Anonymous

    Hi David.

    It’s a great post, thank you! I have two questions:

    1. If loves only comes from within does it then matter who we are in a relationship with?

    2. I really want to recognize that love comes from within, and I want to “have enough” in myself, so I can give and experience true love, intimacy, compassion.

    I have picked up a rock, and started doing your practice with the grateful-rock. But do you have any other advice for how I can work with finding the love within and opening up my heart? I truly want to have an intimate and caring relationship with my partner that is controlled by my fear of being alone.


    1. Thanks Anon

      The language of my post is a little black & white, spoken from where I was at at the time. (laughs)

      These are big questions that point to who we really are and how we experience the world.

      When the heart is full and overflowing, we simply love all. But this isn’t a sterile thing. We’re still human and enjoying the full range of emotions. It’s also not a choice but rather a capacity we have to develop. We live in a culture that has not supported that.

      Yes, it matters who we give our time, attention, and devotion to. Relationships can be a profound mirror for where we’re at, reflecting unseen aspects of ourselves. So they’re not always easy but can bring a lot of growth.

      Close relationships are often driven by karma and thus are ways to resolve what is unfinished between you. How we respond to that makes a big difference.

      They also come with responsibilities, especially if children are involved.

      The article was written from a post-awakening, post-heart opening place. It’s not really possible to reflect that until its a living reality for you. But it’s very worth moving towards that.

      Key, to me, is what is know as samadhi or transcendence. An effortless meditation practice is best. It brings us the direct experience of pure consciousness, our own inner sense of being. In time, this brings a deep inner security as we have begun to know our infinite and eternal nature.

      This is also the ideal platform on which the heart can open.

      You may also find a skilled energy healer valuable. They can help remove blocks that impede our quality of life that we’re not aware of yet.

      Above all, be patient with yourself. It takes time to reverse the trends and heal our backlog. But each step we take in that direction improves our quality of life.

      I found the gratitude rock very beneficial in time. Not in making a mood of it. Just in favouring what was positive in my day, it lifted the overall tone. It surprised me what a difference that made.

      View this as an exploration to find out what you need and what works for you. That love is already there within you, in your very life itself. It is only a matter of uncovering it.

      1. Anonymous

        Thanks for your reply, it was helpful! 🙂 I will continue with meditation and the grateful-rock, and be patient with myself.

        I hope it is ok that I ask some other questions as well. I think it make sense that it matters who we are in a relationship with. But do you have any guidance in figuring out if a partner is the right one? (I know it is a big question, and maybe not one that any other person except myself can answer, but you get it anyway 🙂 ) The relationship can’t all be about dealing with karma can it? And if so, how do you know if the person is the best fit for dealing with my/his karma, or wether there is someone else who is a better fit?

        I don’t know if my question make sense or not. Please ask if I haven’t explained it enough 🙂

        Thank you 🙂

        1. Sure. If you’d prefer, you can use the contact form for a private conversation.

          Yeah, right one is tricky. Just because we notice theres a connection doesn’t mean they’re “the one.” There may just be something to recognize or communicate with them.

          And no, relationships are not all about karma. But it can be a big player. Dharmic relationships are a little more challenging to develop in the current time.

          When the heart gets clearer and grounded in being, we see through the surface stuff and it’s easier to know the answer to such questions.

          One tool I’ve used is Jyotish or eastern astrology. They have tools for comparing the 2 birth charts and determining suitability for relationship. They can also point out areas that might have friction in an otherwise good match. And tell you when you’re more likely to meet someone.

          Even the simple Kundali score gives a good indication. My longest lasting relationship was medium there but I have found it a reasonable gauge of a relationship. There are online tools you can use. For example:

          But note this requires an accurate birth time as its mainly comparing moons.

          But for a serious relationship, you’d want a full comparison. For example, I met someone with a high kundali and there was an immediate connection. The charts were well synced. But there was a mutual influence of separation in the chart. And indeed, events kept drawing us apart.

          Remember this is not about perfection or finding a prince charming. It’s about finding a partner who we can support and will support us and share the journey together with. And, depending on age, perhaps raise a family with.

          It’s not about finding someone to make us whole. That comes from within, not from another.

          Also, like awakening, it’s not something we do. It happens when the time is ripe. We can certainly prepare ourselves and become a person who’d be a better partner.

          And yet, we want to be honest about who we are. Otherwise, we’re not going to find a partner who can support that. 🙂

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