Listening

One issue with living in a mind-dominated culture is that many never gain the art of listening. When someone is sharing with us, we’re often in the mind thinking about what we’re going to say next. As the mind is never in the present, it means we’re not present to the speaker. We’re going into our past memories or projecting into the future. They’re not really being heard.

Often our response will be advice to help fix them, to criticize them, to dismiss them, or to tell our own story, as if it’s a competition. They don’t feel heard or valued.

And yet, we’re so often used to this that we expect nothing else. The net result is not actual communication.

What if we could share with someone who was really there for us? Who listened. Being heard can be deeply rewarding, validating, and healing.

Key is becoming more conscious of how we are with others. When we notice, then we can change how we are in relationships.

What people seek, even if they don’t realize it, is to be heard. Unless they ask for it, they’re not looking for advice or fixing. Just be present and hold space for their sharing.

However, if they’re just dumping on you, you may need to set healthy boundaries, like setting time limits or rules like no gossip. Spewing doesn’t help heal nor communicate. We may need to learn how to steer a conversation. It can also be helpful to learn not to take this personally and not get drawn into the energy.

But if they just want to share, be there for them. If you find the mind popping up with things to say, let it babble to itself. We may even feel an urgent need to share. And there can be a narrative, like “this is what I can offer.” Yet going off in the memory to find something to share is still taking you away from listening.

Perhaps there’s a fear of not remembering the “important” thing you thought of. But again, that’s just mind and ego wanting to control. Let it go. If it’s important, it will flow out naturally when it’s needed. Just be present and hold space for their sharing.

Sometimes, it’s useful to repeat back the essence of what they’ve said. This helps you focus on what they’re saying and helps them feel heard. But even there, careful you’re not translating emotions into mind. Emotions are not concepts. Acknowledging how they feel is part of active listening.

Surprisingly, this approach can also apply to your own relationship with yourself, such as when exploring your felt sense. ie: how am I right now? What am I feeling? Are you noticing this with the mind? Or feeling the emotions and sensations?

Can you be present and friendly with whatever is arising in your emotions or resistance? Can you say hello to the part of you that has been unwelcome? Or can you at least be curious about it?

This shift in approach from resisting how we feel to being curious about it helps shift into allowing what is arising. This is the path to healing.

We may separate or repress literal “parts” of ourselves to avoid feeling them and cope. But when we can be curious and see what is there, we open the doors to deep somatic healing and relief.

Our body feels heard, our emotions feel heard, and our friends and colleagues feel heard.
Davidya