Am I Lovable?

Am I Lovable?

photo by 1970 Lincoln Continental
photo by 1970 Lincoln Continental

When we have a healthy sense of self-confidence, we’re motivated to take care of ourselves and work towards our goals. However, we can also be motivated to similar things by a desire to prove we’re lovable, that we have value.

In the latter case, we don’t fundamentally believe it so we’re looking for it outside of ourselves. Yet love doesn’t come from outside of us so we’re bound to be disappointed. We can’t prove love with success or relationships because we’re bringing something to the table those things can’t meet. This leads to pain and suffering.

For example, if we get into a relationship to prove we’re lovable or good enough, our partner is bound to crush that. They don’t intend this but because we expect them to fulfill our needs, they’ll fail. They may well meet our needs for a time. But we all change.

Worse still, we’re usually unconscious of our actual needs, as is our partner. We just know at first that it’s “working” for us and then, not so much. We blame them and they blame us. (see Love languages, for example)

We don’t need to prove lovability.

Fundamentally, all life flows from love itself. We are love, we come from love, and are deeply loved. Thus, we are inherently lovable, whatever our history and circumstance.

Sadly the outside world doesn’t reflect this much because most are disconnected from love within. In fact, the heart is crusted over in defense because our light wasn’t enough to protect us from pain.

Our early childhood experiences can block self-acceptance. But those dynamics can go back into past lives or ancestral patterns you see in your family. We’re just the latest embodiment of shared historical pain.

You may well consider my comments flowery words with no real meaning. But if we breathe, love is there, under our resistance.

The love I’m speaking of is big-L Love, universal love. Personal love is a pale reflection of that, often entangled with our needs.

If you can dig out your heart, it will bring an exponentially greater richness to life. You can become a fountain of love. Then your partner can be a vehicle for flowing love and sharing.

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  1. Lynette

    I have noticed on myself that it is in my nature to be more hateful, judgemental, envious, and critical. Being loving is not second nature to me, I always have to pause and admonish myself for being negative then switch to nonjudgmental. However if I am unaware my first reaction is negative. Is there some practice we can do daily to become loving? Tired of being a yo-yo.

    1. Hi Lynette
      Actually, this isn’t about your nature. It’s your unresolved experiences talking, what Tolle called the pain body. The intellect, associated with the mind, gets into judgement. By dissing others we can feel better about ourselves. It becomes a habit.
      It’s so common that much of todays news speaks to that. What’s wrong and who’s to blame.
      By helping process all that old junk, this cloud gradually lifts and we become more flexible, accepting, etc. Effortless meditation does wonders for this.

    1. As i mention in the article, most people have protective crusts over their hearts. But this also means we have trouble experiencing the fine feelings, including love.
      Love is not something you understand – thats the mind. It is something you feel. Love is a flowing richness. It’s the feeling of life itself. Its something you know when you experience it.
      Yes, we’re very capable of not just experiencing love but experiencing universal love, the love of the Divine, and more. But we do have to cleanse the heart, as above.

  2. George Robinson

    Almost always I find that aspects of “others” that I disdain the most are hardwired into “me” if I have the guts to look. Sometimes I wonder if I’d like me if I were someone else; I’m not so sure about it.

    1. Hi George
      It’s not so much they’re hardwired but yes, are present. Our deeper reactivity is to things we don’t like in ourselves or that we carry. But it can all be healed.
      Emotional maturity is partly about self-acceptance – recognizing we all have blind spots and weaker areas. But those are not permanent either. They speak to areas we can grow or heal.
      Love itself is unconditional. Just as it is.

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