While I would certainly not call myself a dating expert, I thought it would be useful to consider how it changes with dating consciously and awakening.
A lot of what we call “chemistry” is emotional reactivity. What some might call similar emotional vibes and matched neediness. While that might sound coarse, when there is an ego at play, it wants to be right. Thus it seeks someone who will play the story. The Play enters a scene where we can enhance our dramas and turn up the emotions. Relationship is a vehicle for illusion.
But what happens when the ego crumbles away? When there isn’t a point of reactivity? It changes the dating dynamic quite a bit. We may find that there is simply no chemistry with anyone. At least, not in the old sense of it.
As the heart opens and the inner beauty becomes more visible, all members of the opposite sex can seem astonishingly beautiful. That may not longer offer a cue for a relationship.
We may still meet people from our distant past that will bring deep attraction. That’s fine – karma does not mean bad, just activity. It may need to play out but don’t confuse them with the apparent person you once knew. You will still need to meet them as they are now. And you will find they will mirror what remains conditioned and is resisting being seen in you.
Thus, a relationship can be a powerful means of clearing. One of the most potent techniques on the path.
Recently I wrote about Divine Relationship and spoke of some new parameters for seeking a mate.
A key one is what I call resonance. Rather than emotional reactivity, there is an amplification of soul. Spending time together is like a spiritual practice.
There is a deep sense of respect for them that allows a profound acceptance. Perhaps not on the first date though. (laughs)
This kind of connection results in the experience of love flowing through you to them. The relationship itself becomes a vehicle for divinity, a synergistic expression that is greater than what each person reflects individually.
This can give you an idea of how a conscious relationship can change from what you’ve previously experienced. It also demonstrates the potential for Divine Relationship. For a profound expression of being. And for some challenging work to be done.
Awake or not, simple mindfulness of how you are responding can illuminate what is underway. You may discover you are actually still ambivalent about relationship if you have unresolved prior trash. Perhaps that you are motivated to relationship out of fear or how you think others see you or a missing internal connection. You may discover a bag of conditions you are placing on love. Or a bunch of negative expectations that are drawing “the wrong sort”. Same old, same old.
It may not be possible to avoid karmic entanglements, but you may be able to avoid illusory infatuation and disappointment. Find a mate who will enhance our journey rather than detract from it. Of course, all of us have our blind spots – a sure sign of where there is work to be done. But that seeing is what takes us forward, out of our conditioning. And if a relationship is a vehicle for that, hail the lesson bringer.
It’s a beautiful thing, though not always easy.
Last Updated on April 8, 2014 by
Ahh, that is refreshing to see,
I have also been thinking about this in general, and its good to see someone else can share this insight through writing. That we are lead by illusion of what our idea of someone else is. This is where the attraction comes in, that we are attracted to our own ideas of how that person is, do we really ever seen the person for who they are?
With the roles to be played through illusion, attachment is bound to take place, and disappointment is bound to happen.
“This kind of connection results in the experience of love flowing through you to them. The relationship itself becomes a vehicle for divinity, a synergistic expression that is greater than what each person reflects individually.”
It has been said, that the relationship is that its bigger than either one of the individuals in the relationship but rather a flowering of something that only needs to seen. (Love through awareness)
For these two words are not separate, they are one and the same.
I also know of the egos attachment to certain people, and even with that in affect i would not force the attachment, there is nothing wrong in it, but just being aware helps heal it, there is no need to push it away or to force it to die, to force is to reinforce the feeling.
I had just read Oshos, “Love, Relationships, and Aloneness” and he briefly talks about how each give off their own “musical vibration” whether its a mystical silence or some type of comfort and whether you are with another, you can take part and enjoy in their music, but to not be attached to it, enjoy it in the moment by all means but to know that you yourself hold the key, that your own melody is everything you need and to not rely on others melodies. So when others are around, enjoy their company in the present and when you are alone, rejoice in your own musical melody, it is a blessing to do so.
Thanks for the feedback, LS.
I was planning on a large post but realized it was better to just focus on the basic ideas.
Yes it is curious. While transcendence may roast the seeds, everything that is at play must come up to be seen. We may be surprised by what still comes up. And what may catch us for a time.
Well put – it simply needs to be seen. Not sought. Not held. But also not resisted or pushed against. Simply experiencing what arises in the space.
And it’s so much more fun when its not personal (laughs)
You may also enjoy the linked Divine Relationship post. It’s a subject I’ve been discussing and considering of late as life unfolds her bounty.
The melody is interesting. Also just posted on the Song of Life earlier today. How at one level of expression, life itself is a song.
Nice blog, by the way.
I see that I was a little harsh in the second paragraph – “Relationship is a vehicle for illusion.” Perhaps it would be better to say that “Relationship can often be a vehicle for illusion.” As I review later in the article, a conscious relationship can be a dramatically different thing than one caught in shared illusion.
Rather hard not to have the story at play as long as there is an ego (or 2) involved though. But if there is some mindfulness, it can make a big difference.
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Its seems to me, that a lot of awakened people do not have kids. At least when they woke up before having a family.
Can you comment on that?
Does sexuality also change once fully awake?
I’d say it’s more a lot of awakened people in the public eye (often teachers) may not have kids. This relates some to the dying idea of spiritual progress through celibacy. Or a lifestyle that requires extensive travel, etc.
The majority of people I know who are awake have kids. A common pattern for boomers is for awakening later in life when many karma’s are complete, including family duties. It’s much easier to relax into the experience and to give the time to all the inner changes when responsibilities ease.
I have 2 adult sons, for example.
That said, as the collective gets more clear and more evolved souls take birth, it doesn’t require as much time nor processing to progress. So more younger people are shifting. (stable awakenings are not typical until after the body-mind matures, around the mid-20’s. )
Sexuality wouldn’t change unless some of it was driven by karma or vasanas. It’s like careers. For some, not much changes. For others, that changes quite a bit.
As with emotions, there is a freeing of expression and a greater capacity to love and enjoy.