Why Do I Choose This?

Why Do I Choose This?

Back on the What do you Want?, I shared Adyashanti’s quote

“In the end, you will always do the thing you wanted to do most.”

In The Good Story, I touch on how the world is a story, but we discover it’s a story we’re choosing. Are we choosing meaning or meaninglessness?

I’d like to explore these ideas a little further. We always choose what we want. What we see as the best choice. In the consciousness of the moment, it always seems the best choice or highest need.

Sometimes that’s not completely clear. But if we watch we’ll see it’s true.

Soon, the question becomes who is wanting? At any given moment, are we driven by the angel or devil? By the light or the dark side? By clarity or ego? It shifts around all the time. The Self may be expressing our purpose through us. Or we may be reacting from fear, fighting what is.

It can be hard to tell if it’s Self flowing through us as the Self doesn’t make a lot of fuss. But in the end, we look at consequences. We are revealed by what we do, not what we say. (where have I heard that before 😉

This internal duality of Self and self can create a competition. We shift back and forth, creating dilemmas between our story and what is real. Even when there is no desire for it to be any other way, we push against the way it’s showing up. This causes us to resist it at the same time we love it.

In other words, we do what we love but the mind is always asking how it can be different. Listing the should’s, the what-if’s, and the if-only’s. Making it wrong so it can feel superior.

Can we allow it to be as it is, without resisting?

Byron Katie observes that the world is perfect so your life right now is just right.
If we question the story we have about what pains us, we find it false. Often, the truth is the opposite. She asks, “What would you be without your story?

This can be scary for the mind. When we get caught up in our experiences of the world, we loose our sense of connection with source. Mind looses direction from source and starts to try to take control. To feel in control, it must have an answer for everything. Thus, it makes stories about everything.

Often this results in us blaming others for circumstances rather than looking at who it is that is wanting and creating it.

Sometimes what comes up is karmic. This is the consequences of what we wanted in the past that we were resistant to experiencing at the time. When the right time returns, it comes up again for completion.

As we progress down this path of clearing and connect with who we are, the grip of the mind begins to loosen and the rules begin to change. The competition inside has died. We find ourselves in a place of peace and happiness.

As we move out of ego, we see the world as an independent observer. The world simply takes care of itself. We are left to enjoy simple being. Clear off the old habits of mind.

But then it begins to become increasingly clear that the idea we’re independent of what’s taking place is also not a complete picture. The rules of Cosmic consciousness must also be shed. And so forth.

As Adyashanti described, one of the common consequences of this process is the loss of meaning of the old stories. But unless the deeper meanings of soul purpose come to light, we may get stuck there. We can loose the greatest benefits of our awakening.

As Lucia suggested “It’s our duty to enjoy.” We want to choose joy, choose passion. We can’t need to as that no longer grips us. When we are free, there is no need. We want to find our love and feel it.  Bring the silence and joy and love out into expression, into the world. Only then does the miracle of grace truly begin to show up.

PS – interesting. This was going to be a key article on flowing love, but it seems something else needed to be said first. (laughs)

Last Updated on April 8, 2014 by

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  1. When the old drivers fall away, there is detachment and apathy–in my experience anyway, and it’s a delicate time. There is some doubt: is this depression coming back? The mind misses the noise. The ego misses the drama. It’s a delicate time. I have no idea, at this writing, how the joy of being rises from this…but it does, and did.

  2. Davidya

    Hi Karmarider
    Thanks for sharing that. Really, its very simple. When the grips of holding loosen and the mind settles, what is already there begins to shine through.

    But yes, it can be a delicate time. We can choose to step back into the drama. For some, this doesn’t happen only once on the path, but several times, as it goes more deeply.

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  4. Ben

    Hi Davidya,

    You write…

    “In other words, we do what we love but the mind is always asking how it can be different. Listing the should’s, the what-if’s, and the if-only’s. Making it wrong so it can feel superior.”

    I have seen this to the point that the thought based self just looks like one Big Fat Liar. Byron Katie’s process is to ask the 4 questions. Adya talks about journaling to clear it.

    Is there any way to really clear it? Seems like an endless job as mind just keeps coming up with new versions?

    Thank you!

  5. Davidya

    (laughs) In many ways the ego self is like a frightened child, making stories to make it feel safe. Talking to itself…

    Certainly it can be cleared. As i mention in Mantra, mantra, a meditation can help pull the roots. Then it’s more just tidying up. Of course, it can seem endless. But you don’t have to get rid of all of it. Just enough. Then the sun will shine through.

    Some of what you’re seeing is the trickiness of the mind trying to protect it’s stories. Trying not to be seen through. The trick there is not to engage it. Just see that it’s happening but don’t believe it. Just see it like traffic noise. That’s the Achilles heel of the ego. When you stop believing it…

    Then you discover that what you thought were efforts to get rid of ego was just more ego mind games. An “I am getting rid of myself” story which is of course false. Or “I am the Self” story, ego pretending to be Self. Really pissed me off when I discovered that one. (laughs)

    Some will always remain as long as we have a person and body. Maybe longer (laughs) but our relationship with it starts to change and it stops being a burden. Stops catching us.

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  7. Ben

    Thank you!

    You write…

    “Then you discover that what you thought were efforts to get rid of ego was just more ego mind games.”

    Yes, that is what is occurring to me.

    I recently purchased Adya’s book “The End of Your World”. He gives some examples from his life of how he got caught in various traps despite being informed of them in advance by his teacher.

    It seems “thought” is going to want to have its say about what is experienced. I really think I wanted awakening to be all lovey dovey and gooey blissful all the time. That launched the search for how do I clear this nonabiding aspect of the awakening.

    I can say I have spent the good portion of a life time wanting to escape or clear thought. I am such a sucker for that kind of thing. My experience of my thoughts is that is nag, nag, nag, on top of lie, lie, lie, with regards to judgments about what manifests in life.

    Thought does a nice job at work and with tasks so I make a clear distinction between this and judgmental thoughts.

    Truth is I don’t know what happens after awakening. Also, I don’t know that it matters how it compares with the experiences of others. Also, I am grateful for the sign posts from you and others. That settled me down… alot. Thought I was going insane. Made a big difference.

    It is like the mind co-opts the experience and says, hey there are higher levels so let’s clear the crap (unpleasant thoughts) and move on to the higher states. The reason is that I don’t like the judgmental naggy lies I see thought telling, so be gone with them which simply drops me back into the land of thought through resistance and fixing.

    Endless it seems in the task list of To Dos, so I admit that I don’t know, and I think that thought wants to know. This is the conflict I observe.

    Seems like life takes care of the revealing and clearing process and the “thought based” self will have its spontaneous response to that.

    Part of the awakening here is that life experiences aren’t always wonderful from the experience of thought and can create body sensations and more suffering thought.

    These days I try to see and feel that even though my mind does not like being with it. That is another observation.

    I am sure there is a question in there, but I am not sure what it is. lol!

  8. Davidya

    Hi Ben
    Yes, there can be side-tracks along the journey. It may seem disappointing that awakening is not all “lovey dovey”, but this is underestimating it’s potency. The non-lovey parts are about what is falling away. Not what is becoming. Of course there are challenges with any major change in reality. But like starting school or getting married soon these fall away and what remains is pretty lovey. (laughs)

    It’s also important not to get caught it stories of the challenges. That’s just more ego too. Like Lucia emphasized it’s our duty to enjoy, we should never underestimate the power of our attention. If we expect there to be problems, we can ensure there is. Adya and others speak of this to support those working though them not to give ideas to expect them.

    Some people get sidetracked. Adya’s seen many fall back into mind for awhile. Not unusual. But not universal. And how deeply that happens varies widely. A few fall into deep drams, some work through a bit of junk, and some just step past it all, burn it in the light of consciousness. I mentioned a fellow last year who woke, then had the second waking 3 days later. His shift was quite complete – just a little adaptation and integration. He’s now giving satsangs and has helped others wake up.

    Thoughts have a function. What first happens is we begin to disengage from them, stop seeing them as “my thoughts”. Some of it is just environmental noise. Then the emotional drivers settle and the ideas of “bad” etc start to fall away. The mind settles quite a bit then. And when the person starts to dissolve, much of that part of what causes thoughts ceases. Then the mind becomes quiet. Mostly. In many ways its the judge and noise that are the issues, not the thoughts themselves.

    From what I’ve seen, trying to escape thought is the mind trying to escape itself. Just another form of resistance to what is. The only way to escape thought is to transcend it. When we function in the world, then thoughts are necessary.

    Knowing you don’t know is a good thing. It leaves the mind open to what is there. And yes, mind always wants to know. This comes from a need to control that in turn arises from fear. When it becomes clear who we are, the fear can subside.

    hmm – the mind doesn’t co-opt the experience, the experience IS the mind. Mind is the surface of consciousness that processes perception. In pure awareness, there is no experience. As I mentioned recently, awakening is not experienced. Nor is Self. It is being. This is the trick of mind to make itself ‘other’.

    The list is endless, yes, as it’s infinite. When we transcend the infinite, the list drifts away. Except for what is needed.

    Life does not seem to be wonderful because mind makes it so. When the perception is deeper, this shifts. If I was to see it that way, my weekend was a big crisis of drama. And for some it was. A friend lost all their email, my bank account was hacked and locked, friends relationship breaking up, yada yada. But it was wonderful. I allowed it to be what it was and everything arranged itself perfectly. No planned grocery shopping but a wonderful salmon dinner instead. For everyone who could see, happiness resulted.

    It is only when we make the flow wrong and fight it that we suffer and make it worse. Whatever the expectation, if we allow what arises is better – even if it seems worse or horrible at the time.

    blah blah…

    It is interesting though. Having a sense of question but no question that comes out is a state of readiness. Of openness. You’re doing well, whatever mind may say. 😉

    Thanks for sharing.

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